Have You Always Wanted to Grow Up?

Have you always wanted to grow up? Maybe you’ve felt the pressure of never being good enough or felt like no one really believed in your dreams, so you learned to settle for less. Maybe you’ve felt like you’ve never belonged or remained the person on the outside looking in.

I have.

My name is Kayla Varvel, and I am here to tell you that you are not alone.

When Growing Up Didn’t Feel Safe

Growing up as a child, I had the world given to me, but something still didn’t feel right. I was the kind of child who felt her emotions deeply and had no idea how to handle them. One of the biggest feelings I experienced was disappointment. To this day, I can still remember my first lie. To some people, it might not seem like a big deal, but it was to me.

Growing up, I was taught the difference between right and wrong, but for some reason, even though I knew the difference, I would still do things that were wrong. I carried so much guilt and shame because of this. I would often try to hide what I had done and lie whenever I got caught doing something wrong, but the truth always came out.

Living with the feeling of my parents’ disappointment grew heavy on me. The older I became, the more I associated disappointment with judgment. I started building a wall because I was unable to feel safe where I needed safety the most. It was easy for me to feel like my parents didn’t understand me. I mean, how could they? I couldn’t even understand myself.

Young Adulthood: Escape, Guilt, and Shame

Entering young adulthood was super challenging. I struggled with being a depressed teenager who was constantly stuck in her head 24/7, caring entirely too much about what other people thought of me. I carried the lie of, “I don’t care what other people think of me,” but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I carried this void inside me, and I wanted to fill it with anything that could bring me out of myself.

It started with sex. I believed that if I gave someone what they wanted, they would love me.

Another lie.

The sex, of course, led to drugs and drinking because every time I chose to abandon myself, the hole within me became bigger and bigger. School became more of a nuisance, so I began self-sabotaging: stealing, ISS, failing drug tests—it all happened so fast, and believe it or not, it all started with marijuana, my first love.

I was on the high school varsity volleyball team, made decent grades, and had some friends, but for some reason, bad choices seemed to follow me. I wanted to grow up, make my own money, move out of my parents’ house, and do whatever it was that I wanted to do.

Becoming a High School Dropout

I dropped out of high school in the 11th grade.

After dropping out, I tried homeschooling through Texas Tech, but there was no way I was self-motivated enough for that. I didn’t get my GED until I was 26. I am 32 now.

Choosing to be a high school dropout is something I would never want anyone to experience, and I am brave enough to admit that my choices held me back from reaching lengths that I thought were untouchable.

Foundations to Freedom and a Purpose Driven Life

My life has included its fair share of people-pleasing, choosing relationships that were never meant for me, and trying to squeeze myself into a box I was never meant to fit inside.

What I have shared with you is a big part of why working for Foundations to Freedom in the Women’s 18–24-year-old Transitional Youth Program is so important to me. I get to show up every day for young adults who have struggled with substance abuse, and I can meet them at a level of understanding and acceptance that I needed during those years.

Working at Foundations to Freedom is not just a job; it is my passion and my life purpose. I am dedicated to creating a safe space for those who have never had one. The young woman I once was, needed someone to believe in her. Today, I get the privilege of being that person for someone else—and that is what a purpose driven life looks like for me.

If You’re Wondering How to Find Purpose in Life

If you’re reading this and wondering whether your past has already decided your future, I hope my story reminds you that it hasn’t. Your story is still being written.

If you’ve always wanted to grow up because you thought adulthood would finally make you feel whole, I want you to know this: healing is possible. Recovery is possible. And if you’re carrying guilt and shame, you don’t have to carry it alone.